Gutted
by Sayuri1
Summary: Heero ponders why Duo has rejected him after they share their first kiss. [continuation of short "First Kiss"] [POV] [angst]


Author: Sayuri

Email: sayuri_tama@hotmail.com

Title: Rating: PG-13

Pairings: 1x2

Spoilers: none

Warnings: don't worry, no heterosexuality here...maybe OOC Duo (?)

Type: short Heero pov, angst

Comments: craved and appreciated

Summary: continuation of  the short/poem "First Kiss" 

Author's notes:  I found this on my hard drive about a year after it was written and can't remember why I never posted it *shrug* Anyway, since it was a companion to my first Gundam short, I thought I might as well dig it out of the archives :) Thanks for reading!

~~`~,~@

Gutted. It's the only word that comes to mind when I think of how I feel.

Completely and totally gutted.

The first time I saw you I wanted to punch you in the face. Or maybe kick you in the teeth – anything to get rid of that cocky grin you wore. Now all I want to do is hold you one more time, to run my hands through your hair and bury my face in your shoulder, to hide from the sight of you holding him.

It was only a short while ago that your purple eyes lured me in with their not-so-innocent gaze, the heat from your body radiating as our bodies collided in an ages-old dance. I was shaking as you held me, breathless as your lips left mine. You ran your hands over my chest, slowly reaching downward between my legs to start what you seemed to desperately want to do. 

I stopped you. 

Don't mistake me, it's not as if I didn't want you. Gods, how I wanted you -- I wanted you in me, around me, under me; surrounding me with your energy and beauty. 

My hand on yours, pulling you gently away wasn't a rejection, it was a plea. Please, let us savor this. Please let us draw this out, making our dance last as long as possible. Please let me hold this one moment in my heart, perfect in its simplicity. 

  


It was only a kiss, and a short one at that, but it had changed everything, unlocking a part of me that had been buried deep for far too long. 

Please wait for me. 

~~`~,~@

It's amazing how slowly time can pass. It was only a two week operation, but it felt like a year. As I rushed to the safe house where I knew you would be waiting for me, my heart thundered in my chest and I felt as if I would explode. 

We had started with a single kiss; and after being away from you I knew that now we could move to the next part of the dance. I was ready, and I knew you would be.

Imagine my surprise to find those smooth fingers twined in silky black hair, to see your purple eyes half-slanted and glazed over with passion in the arms of someone else. 

You shouted in surprise when you saw me standing there, my jaw on the floor, my hands clenched into tight fists at my side...tears on my face. 

I can't remember the last time I had cried, before that. 

Your voice called out to me, following me as I blindly backed out of the house. "Heero, wait! I have to talk to you! Please...try to understand!" 

Understand?! 

Sure, I understand. You had two bodies before you, and you chose one. I wasn't it. You meant everything to me, and to you, I was just an option. 

What more is there to say, really? 

~~`~,~@

You tiptoed around me, those first few days, avoiding my eyes wherever possible, yet trying desperately to regain some sense of normalcy in our crazy lives. 

As those days passed, I tried to ignore you and the new giddiness you had found. I saw you laughing over a private joke, snuggling on the sofa when you thought no one was watching, sighing with happiness as you shared a gaze. I tried to swallow my bitterness, to be happy that you have found something to cling to in our hellish existence. Of course, even now, the inevitable question keeps popping up, the question I can't bring myself to voice.  

  


Why, Duo? What was it that made you choose him over me? 

Was it pity or mercy that drove you to pack your bags and leave in the arms of your new lover, removing your relationship from my sight?

You should have known that I didn't want either. I wanted…I want...you.

I want to laugh in your arms, and smile in your warm embrace. I want to fight by your side, because you have earned my respect and my trust, something I do not freely give. I want to feel that empty spot inside me left from years of conditioning to be filled by you. 

When I first met you, yes, all I wanted to be rid of you. Through everything, you didn't even know my name and you seemed to think it was your personal right and duty to butt in on my affairs, not even bothering to notice that I would be just as efficient on my own; not caring that your time was being wasted buzzing over my shoulder or clucking over me like a mother hen. 

All in all, it wasn't exactly a friendship in the making. 

But now...all I want to be rid of is the silence that remains in the wake of your leaving.

Duo, you loud, hotheaded, baka...I...I _miss _you. Strange, isn't it? 

Stranger still, I can't reconcile myself to the fact that this is how it is supposed to end. 

~ Owari


End file.
